The Bain of my Housecleaning Existence

I am convinced that the inventor of the Kenmore Progressive Upright Vacuum with Inteli-Clean System was a) a sadist and b) a man.



Why? do you ask? Because. This vacuum, which was rated the absolute best of the best by Consumer Reports magazine, has what is called an "Intelli-clean system" which is a system of infrared lights that "read" how dirty your carpet is, and tells you accordingly. The way that the vacuum communicates this to you is with a series of lights that move from left to right across a grid on the vacuum. If your carpet if absolutely spotless, you get a green light. If is is downright-call-the-health-department-filthy, you get a red light. A really BIG, OBNOXIOUS, FLASHING, RED LIGHT.

I have had this vacuum for almost two years. I have a few areas in my house which are always read as a clean area, indicated by the green light. These areas are my son's room, and my master closet (which both see approximately the same amount of foot traffic, which is basically none. I walk into James' room to put him to bed or wake him up three times a day. I walk into my master closet to get dressed in the morning and to get undressed at night.


I also always have a few areas that read bright red. Namely, the area of carpet between the bottom of my stairs and my kitchen, which is about a 4' square area that receives any dirt that we bring in from the garage, or in the reverse direction, in from the backyard.

TRY AS I MIGHT, I cannot get the red area to be green. Or even orange, or even amber. It is just NOT going to happen for me. I have vacuumed that spot over and over and over and over, I have vacuumed until I thought my shoulder was going to spasm, I have even just left it in one spot, happily sucking away and to no avail. Any self-respecting type A personality-bearer cannot let this alone.

I should probably just be content with the fact that most of my house reads like this on the Kenmore Intelli-clean scale:

Thus my issue with this vacuum. I guess I should just give it up, right? I mean, at least I am not vacuuming with this, right?


And by the way, this is not a plea for a new and different type of vacuum. No appliances for Christmas, PLEASE! You'll probably have to click on the ad below to read it and appreciate it.

Happy housecleaning! (Hmm . . . what is my housekeeper's phone number? I know it's around here somewhere . . .)