Love You, Mom

Mom, Dad, Amy, James & I, 2006

Yesterday was a hard day for my Dad, my sister, my grandparents and I. I know we were all thinking about Mom all day. She passed two years ago on February 17th and I remember that day as a blur. It is tragic losing a parent, and even more so when you aren't at all expecting it. I have a lot of feelings about her death, but mostly I try to remind myself to celebrate her life instead of mourning her absence.

I was looking at some old photos and found these two that are remarkably similar. The first is of Mom holding my little sister Amy:


The second is Mom holding James when he was just six weeks old:

What do I love most about these photos? You know it--her smile.

In her poem "Remember" Christina Rossetti's last two lines say,

"Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad."

I don't know that I think of Mom any less, but I try not to be so sad.

It may sound cliche, but remember to tell your family how much you love them, because one day you may no longer have the chance.

I told my Dad the other day that even though I had a truly wonderful, almost idyllic childhood, right now what I am most grateful for is the adult relationship I had with my Mom. Talking with her about motherhood, about parenting, about juggling work and home, about the weather, about recipes--those things are what resonate with me right now.

Like any teenager and young adult obsessed with themselves, there were a few years where I was not close with my Mom. Once I grew up a little and got out of my own way, I had the wonderful opportunity to look at her as a friend. I am so glad that I did.


I love you my Mother, my friend. And I smile while I am writing that.

XOXO


Allison

Happy Birthday(s) Mom and Dad

Mom's birthday was November 3rd, and Dad's birthday was November 5th. Here they are on their wedding day,



And here they are a couple of years ago (I think this photo is from 2008).


Love you both. Mom I miss you so much. Dad, I love how wonderful you are with the kids, and I know Mom can see what a great Grandpa you are being to them.

XOXO

Allison

A Vintage Pollyanna Update

I have to say I am overwhelmingly pleased with how my new blog, Vintage Pollyanna is being received. I don't think I could have known how much interest there really is out there in Blogland for vintage, thrift, craft and baking all thrown into one blog.

I've had over 15,000 visits in 5 weeks. That is astonishingly high for a little blog just in its infancy (and being that I know a little about social marketing and blog networking, I am really flabbergasted by the numbers.)


My good bloggy friend Kim over at Small Words surprised me by featuring my blog on her blog. Don't you love that? One friend supporting another? It makes me so crazy happy I almost can't stand it. Thank you, Kim!

I just finished a few fun button necklaces today, made from buttons out of Mom's shop. I think she would have loved them, especially since she got me started on button bracelets a few years ago.


I know that my Mom cab see what's going on down here in my little world--I know that she is aware of how well the kids are doing, how happy and silly and loved they are, and I also know that she is keeping a loving and watchful eye on Chris and I, on my Dad and on my sister Amy. I know she must be aware of how much she is missed. Every time I post on Vintage Pollyanna I feel like I am connecting with her, and that is a really wonderful feeling. Love you and miss you Mom.

Our Little Curly Top

The dress Ella is wearing was a gift from my mother--a little retro seersucker dress that I really love. Yellow was my Mom's favorite color--and I wish she could see her running around the yard, cute as a button and reminiscent of Shirley Temple. But I guess she probably can.

It has been more than a year since I lost my Mom, and though her absence is still painful, that pain is a little less sharp, and more often than not I am smiling when I am remembering her instead of feeling sad.

I think that the quality of the sunshine is really special in these photos--I am getting better at capturing the light.

Big day for us tomorrow--James is having his fourth birthday party! We are expecting about a dozen kids and 30 adults so it will be a fun day for sure. We even rented a huge bouncy house for him (seems to be the birthday party trend on our street these days!) It is actually due to arrive tonight--so no doubt we will be bouncing into the night and he will be exhausted before the big day even arrives!

Happy weekend to you!

Happy Mother's Day 2010

To my Mother,

I think of you everyday, but especially today. I am lucky that I have so many great memories of you--memories of you as a child myself, and memories of you with my own children.

Some of the moments I am thinking about today:

You sitting in the front yard weaving baskets in the summer sun.

You cooing over a box of puppies at Brook's Farm and Feed, and ultimately bringing one home.

You piling your long blonde hair on your head as you walked into the water at Coffin Pond and yelling at us to stop splashing you.

You making carrot cake for my birthday.

You bringing Amy and I out to stand on the edge of the yard when the town's mower was coming to clean up the edges of the road and you didn't want him to cut down all of the Queen Anne's Lace and Chickory.

And then later,

You giving James hundreds of kisses, reading him stories, giving him popcorn or candy or whatever fun snacks you had on hand in the shop.

You holding Ella when she was still a newborn and telling her about all of the fun you two were going to have with tea parties and trying on dresses.

I miss you Mom, plain and simple.

And to all of the other Mom's in my life--don't take a single moment of loving your children for granted. I know it is hard to treasure everything, after all, life is busy--true. But maybe at least once a day we can sit back, take a deep breath, and be thankful for the time that we have with our children. Motherhood is such a gift. Cherish it always.

Happy Mother's Day!

Miss You, Mom

Every day.

Love,

Allison

A Joyful Sadness

Wow. I had a feeling that this Christmas was going to be really great AND really hard, but I don't think I was prepared for how it is making me feel so joyful and yet so sad at the same time.


Today while Ella napped, James and I trimmed the tree that he and his Dad cut down yesterday. It is a sweet little tree--not really fat or tall--just a little unusual in that it has a lot of long branches as well as short. Meaning, that there were a lot of really great little nesting places for special ornaments.

I knew it was going to be a fun season this year--James is old enough to understand who Santa is, and yet young enough not to question how he actually can get down the chimney. Watching him pick and choose ornaments and their placement was so great.


But--this being the first Christmas without my mother, I am so sad. Sad for myself, my Dad, my sister, my Grandfather, my children, and for Mom. I heard a Gene Autry tune, "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" yesterday and nearly fell to my knees choking with an abrupt stab in my heart. She LOVED that song--I am pretty sure that we had a tape of just Gene Autry Christmas Carols.

I just have to keep telling myself, and believing that she hasn't missed a beat of the holiday so far. I mean, how could she miss these moments? The little hands working so hard to hand the precious ornaments; the little hands clutching the snow globe that she and Dad put together for him with a picture of him and his Dad in it; the little hands cutting out trees and snowmen with the vintage cookie cutters that she gave us . . . those moments keep happening every minute. She is everywhere I turn, every box I open, every carol I hum.


And yet--there is so much joy counterbalancing all that sadness. I spent way too much time trying to snap that perfect photo of James and Ella for our Christmas cards. I was laughing, remembering the struggle that my sister Amy and I went through last year for the holiday card.

When Ella woke from her nap today, and James and I had finished the tree, I brought her downstairs and set her down in front of it and the look in her eyes was awesome in the true meaning of the word. I mean, she saw the tree, REALLY SAW IT. The light coming from the old bubble lights that Dad gave us lit up her face, made her eyes sparkle, and my heart was bursting wide open with love, love, love.


So joyful our hearts will be this Christmas--sharing, loving, remembering, smiling, living. Each little moment captured forever on the film of our minds. The image of my son, standing in front of the tree and filled with so much little boy pride. Another amazing sight to see.


It will be a difficult holiday, for sure. But there are so many blessings, all around us, everywhere we turn. So much to be grateful for. So much to smile about. So much to BELIEVE IN. The power of Christmas, the joy of Christmas, the love of Christmas.

A Birthday Wish

The sun is shining through the trees this autumn morning.

I hope that you will have a great big slice of
carrot cake to celebrate your special day.

Know that were you here, I am sure that Dad would
have given you some whimsical, Victorian treasure,
Amy and I would have been able to sew you something sweet,
and your grand-children would have been happy
to have a little birthday tea party with you.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Miss you, love you.
SO MUCH.

XOXO

Allison

Love in A Jelly Jar

James and I headed out with his pre-school class yesterday to a local farm. There was a hay bale maze, a hayride, the kids picked turnips and fed them to some oxen, and they also picked pumpkins.

The highlight of the trip for me was when James and I headed to the little country store that the farm family runs. They sell all of their own goods, including preserves, honey, maple syrup, salsas, and a variety of hand-sewn items. I left with a few things, including their red raspberry preserves.

This morning I wanted to have the jelly on toast. When I opened the jar, I was greeted with pure, homemade, LOVE. That smell—of plump, red raspberries, just picked in the heat of July—it was fabulous. The smell and the flavor of this little jar or preserves evoked a flood of memories of my Mother. I smiled while I ate every bite of my toast.

Thank you, Hurst Family Farm. You don’t even know how much love you packed into this little jar!

Mom's Tootsie Roll

I have been working for the last week on trying to replicate an oil pie crust recipe that my Mom always used. It was flaky and a little chewy, and I never tasted it anywhere like she made it.

I am headed to Maine to see Dad on Father's Day weekend, and I am bringing him one of Mom's apple pies (well--as close as I can get to it). So of course I want to get her pie crust just right.

I have made several attempts over the last week and I think I got it today. Chris will be the happy recipient of a "test pie" when he gets home from Chicago this evening.

But back to the point of this post. Whenever Mom made a pie she always made a little extra dough to use for a special added treat--what she called a "Tootsie Roll." She rolled out the dough in a rectangle, put some butter on it and a generous amount of brown sugar and then rolled it up. It cooked in the oven alongside the main attraction.

It was always one of my favorite things that she baked.

I made one today. And it tastes just right.

Love you and miss you, Mom.

Mom

Mom, we miss you more than words can say.

Happy Mother's Day

Love you like crazy,

Allison & Amy

A Hopeful Garden

If I look out my kitchen door, I see a great opportunity--my new garden. I was very excited when we looked at our house when I found a nice garden bed about 20" x 30" that had been built into a slight raise in the yard and flanked on three sides by a short stone wall.


I don't know how long it has been dormant, but not too long--as not much grass has had an opportunity to take hold. I have been wanting to double-spade it to turn the earth over, but my husband is insisting that we borrow a rototiller from a friend. I am okay with that--he wants to take care of me, and I love him for it.

My Dad always had a garden for as long as I can remember. His gardens were, in a word, magnificent.

Mom, Amy, Dad and me, about 1979

I have no intention of having an enormous garden--not yet. His advice to me has been to start simple, and that is what I am going to do. A few Heirloom tomatoes, some cukes, a couple of green beans, carrots and onions and some sunflowers for James. Maybe some marigolds and some basil, too.

The last few months have been difficult, to say the least. But--I am seeing a light ahead. I have been talking with my husband, my Dad, my sister about my grief--how it waxes and wanes, and how everything seems to be framed within it. Things that shouldn't bother me at all cut deeply and I cry at night about them. Other things that should hurt like hell just leave me numb.

I know that the people that love me recognize that I need some time to step back into the world.


With their continued support, I think I'll step into my garden first.

A Celebration of Life

Today is a Celebration of Life for my mother.

Mom, 1988

She passed away on February 17th.
We postponed the service so that friends and family

who live far away could be a part of it.
It has been on my mind for weeks.
I thought that writing the euology might be difficult,
but in the end, it just flowed out, easily.

I hope that along with the tears today
there will also be laughter.
I am sure there will be, as several of mom's
friends will be sharing memories of her,
many of which are irrevrent and funny.

There will be faces there that I have not
seen since High School, and friends of
my parents whom I haven't seen in many years.
A number of shops up and down Front Street
where her antique store is will be closed,
as the shopkeepers attend the service.

I am so thankful for the family and friends
that will be there today to remember her.
I think it will be those faces that will give me the
strength I will need to get through the euology.
I am also appreciative of my best friend and a
friend from high school for agreeing to read two poems today.

I am also appreciative of those extended family
who are thinking of her and my family today,
as well as my Blogland friends who have read all of my posts
the last month or so since she passed.
My blog is essentially my journal, and my
writing my thoughts about her has helped me to mourn her.

I think it is fitting that yesterday
was the Vernal Equinox.
Mom loved Spring, and the lilacs that came with it.

This will be a good day to welcome Spring
and say goodbye to my Mom.

A Bittersweet Milestone

My girl had her six month check-up yesterday.

She is doing great.
16 1/2 pounds
25 3/4 inches

I started this blog in the summer of 2007
mostly to keep my Mom updated on our family's
life 3,000 miles away from her in Vegas.

She looked forward to these updates and I know she checked
the blog constantly for what she called her
"DBP" or "daily baby pics"

When she fell ill three years ago
and needed a heart valve replacement
I immediately began to think about moving
back East to be closer to her.

The years I was in the desert I came back twice a year
and we spoke on the phone about every other day
but that was not enough for me.

We moved back a month after Ella was born.


Mom was over the moon with excitement
to be a mere few hours away
from James and her "Lulu" as she called Ella.

In the months since moving back
we visited almost every month
and for a week in November I brought her
and my sister down to Connecticut to watch the kids
while I went off on a work trip.

I am so thankful that she had that time with them.

Now that she is gone
these little milestones are bittersweet for me.
I love that my children are thriving, healthy and content.

And I know I shouldn't be sad
that she can't see them in person,
or check in on the blog for her "DBP"
especially since I know she can check in on them
whenever she wants
from her special place in Heaven.

But I am a little sad, still.

And I guess I will be for a while--perhaps always.

Thoughtful Words

Lillies of the Valley from Mom & Dad's heritage garden last summer

I have been getting back into Blogland slowly, dipping my toes in here, and here. These two writers bring me great joy whenever I stop in. I was reading this blog today and stumbled over this bit of prose by the Dalai Lama that she had posted a few days back. I really admire her blog--it is spare but filling at the same time--it comforts me.

So, I thought I would share the words with you that she shared with her readers. They seem fitting for today.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When you realise you've made a mistake,
take immediate steps to correct it.

Spend some time alone every day.

Live a good, honourable life.

Then when you get older and think back,
you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

Learn the rules, so you know how to break them properly.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Be gentle with the Earth.

Remember the best relationship is one in which your
love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Thank You

I am in an odd place these days, after the passing of my mother. Beyond the normal feelings of love, and guilt, and pain felt for a future without her, I can't stop thinking about her relationship with my children. For those of you who have lost a parent when you yourself were a parent of little ones, you know what I mean.

I keep looking at my beautiful children and hoping that they will one day know how special their grandmother was. I keep telling myself that thank God I was able to move back when I did. Between September and Christmas we visited many times with Mom and Dad. Mom had the chance to get to know how funny and clever James is, and she had many opportunities to hold Ella (or LuLu, as she liked to call her) and kiss her. Together with my Dad she showered the kids with Christmas gifts--vintage books and dolls, blocks, toys and other sweet things. I am so glad that she had the time with them that she did.

Right before I submitted her obituary, I spoke with my sister about adding this line: "Her two grandchildren, James and Ella were the apples of her eye. She couldn't wait to teach James all about farm life and have tea parties and play dress-up with Ella."

My father had just told me about a conversation that he had had with a friend of my mother's. She had told him that Mom was very excited to have tea parties with my daughter when she was a little older. I love knowing that. But I am also terribly saddened by it.

On another note, my sister and I are in the midst of preparing Mom's Celebration of Life. We want the service to be loving and funny. I have no doubt that there will be tears--but there must also be some laughter. My mother would never abide a solemn and dark event.

Mom and her friend, Sue.

I spent Saturday with my sister in Mom's shop, getting organized, cleaning up a bit and of course stumbling over pictures, little items and handwritten notes of Mom's that would alternately make me cry, laugh and cry again. I will be headed up to Maine many more times to help my Dad sort things out. I only regret that I hadn't made the trip to Maine more often in January when my Mother became ill. But I guess at some point I will need to stop looking back, and start looking forward, instead.

To those of you who have reached out to me, either with flowers, e-mails, postings to my FaceBook account or comments here, I must tell you how appreciative I am of your warmth and love.

Thank You.

Allison

A Tribute

Judith A. Ferguson

November 3, 1947 -- February 17th, 2009

Mom, 1950

BRUNSWICK, ME – Judith A. Ferguson, 61, of Coombs Rd. died February 17th at Midcoast Hospital after a prolonged illness. She was born on November 3rd, 1947 in Morgantown, West Virginia. Judy is predeceased by her mother, Betty Grow Frost, and her father is James A. Frost. A graduate of Loyola Marymount, she held a B.S. in English. Judy had been a resident of Maine since 1974.

Mom and Dad, 2008

Judy is survived by her husband of 33 years, Chuck; her father Jim Frost and his wife Jane of Tulsa, Oklahoma; and two daughters, Amy Ferguson of Lisbon Falls and Allison Lantieri and her husband Chris of Amston, CT and their two children James and Ella. She is also survived by many cousins.

Allison, Mom and Amy, 1980

Judy and her husband Chuck and their two girls moved to the old Rush Farm on Coombs Road in 1981. There she and the family kept a number of small farm animals including a pony, horses, geese, chickens, rabbits and turkeys. The Fergusons are known for their local brown eggs, as well as for the fowl that have a tendency to roam up and down Coombs Road. In addition to the many farm animals that they tended, they also took in countless stray dogs and cats and gave them all a “forever” home. Of all of them, Judy’s current dog, an 11-year old beagle named Beezus was certainly her favorite and never far from her side.

Beezus in the shop

Over her lifetime Judy loved fleamarketing, baking breads and pies, reading, knitting, canning vegetables and preserves and enjoying a quiet country life. Judy was well-known in the Midcoast area as the co-owner with her husband of Pollyanna’s Antiques, a small shop on Front Street in Bath. Judy specialized in Victorian textiles, dolls and vintage sewing notions. She and Chuck could be found most every Saturday and Sunday at the Montsweag Fleamarket during the summer season, looking for that special hidden antique treasure that she could add to her shop. She was well-regarded for her knowledge and loved for her “grandma’s attic” style of shop keeping. Judy took great pride in designing stunning and unusual shop window displays. Her husband intends to keep the shop open in her memory.

Mom outside her shop a few years ago

Judy was a dedicated mother, wife, daughter, grandmother and friend and will be dearly, dearly missed. Her two grandchildren, James and Ella were the apples of her eye. She often told friends that she couldn't wait to teach James all about the farm and have tea parties and play dress-up with Ella.

A photo she took of one of her favorite heirloom roses

A celebration of Judy's life will be held on Saturday, March 21st from 3 to 5 pm in the Community Room at the Patten Free Library in Bath. In lieu of flowers the family is asking that donations be made to the Coastal Humane Society of Brunswick, or to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals by making a Memorial Donation in her name on their website, www.aspca.org. Burial services will be private.